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How to survive a Shart Attack





(Cue Jaws ominous attack song) There you are at work, just another day in the office (dun…dun…). You smile and wave as you pass Susan the secretary on your way to the water cooler (dun…dun…). You’re alone and a rumble in your stomach starts to make it’s way into your colon (dun, dun…). Your stomach has been a little uneasy all day and you think to yourself, “finally! I’m going to be able to get this gas out of me”. (dun-dun, dun-dun, dun-dun, dun-dun…). You look around and the coast is clear, “let er’ rip!” (symphony blares!). “But wait, what was that?” You think to yourself. Something more may have slipped past the goalie. You push back on the butt of your pant and the squish you feel confirms it, you just sharted! While sharting is quite common, it can be immensely embarrassing especially if done in a public setting. Below we will explain what sharting is, why it occurs, and what to do when/if it happens to you…

What is a Shart?

As described in an earlier post a shart is an involuntary defecation which occurs when one try’s to pass gas. The term comes from combining to the two words “shit” and “fart”.

Why do Sharts happen?

A shart can be a one-time, isolated incident, in which case it is simply a mistake when attempting to pass gas. A shart is also more common for those experiencing diarrhea or loose stools, or if you have taken a laxative / stool softener. If you feel severe gas pains associated with imminent diarrhea go to a bathroom to pass this gas.

If sharts occur more frequently this could be a sign of an underlying issue such as bowel incontinence. Bowel incontinence is the reduced ability or complete inability to control gas or bowel movements. Incontinence has a wide range of severity from slight difficulty controlling gas to complete loss of control of defecation. (Read more about bowel incontinence here)

What to I do when I Shart?

What to do during a shart attack is based on two factors:

  1. Location
  2. Severity of the defecation and “pants leak-through”

If you are at home alone:

If you are home alone and you shart this is the ideal scenario. Simply shower and change and brush it off, its not uncommon! If you have a love interest or friends over it may complicate the situation but as long as they do not hear or see your shart you are fine. If you are with a significant other chances are you stepped away to pass the gas so to not stink up the love in the air in which case simply walk to your bedroom, or where ever your cloths are kept as normally as possible. Grab a change of underwear and pants if necessary (even if you have some leak through try to clean it instead of changing pants altogether to avoid suspicion). Then go into the bathroom and start clean up. Do not shower unless you shower at this time is normal behavior. Use the water from the sink and toilette paper, paper towels, or rags to clean up the mess and return as if nothing ever happened. If you are in a group of friends and you let one rip in their presence the procedure is the same except they will know you have farted so any additional time to clean and wardrobe change will be suspicious. If you need to change your pants you can make your way to the kitchen before heading to the bedroom and “spill” something on your pants to warrant the wardrobe change.

If you are in a public place where you NEED to be there like work:

  • Did not Leaked through pants
    • Make your way to the nearest bathroom as discreetly as possible (single person bathrooms are ideal even if slightly further away)
    • Remove both pants and underwear completely
    • Dispose of underwear
    • If you can use water and paper towels to completely clean yourself. If not possible simply wiping with toilet paper will have to do.
    • Continue the rest of the day as normal unless smell lingers in which case an early trip home due to some illness or repeat trips for additional cleaning will be necessary.
  • Leaked through pants
    • Make your way to the nearest bathroom as discreetly as possible (single person bathrooms are ideal even if slightly further away)
    • If you have to pass people along the way try to spill something on your pants as a reason you are rushing to the bathroom (i.e. COLD coffee, any messy snacks you may have on your desk)
    • Remove both pants and underwear completely
    • Dispose of underwear
    • Clean your pants the best you can and make your way to the exit. You need to leave right away. Call your boss from the car, train, or bus and explain that you were suddenly overtaken by a stomach bug and was throwing up. You did not want to spread the virus through the office so you left right away. Take the next day off too for self healing and a more believable illness.

If you are voluntarily in a public place like a mall or gym:

  • Did not leak through pants
    • Make your way to the nearest bathroom as discreetly as possible (single person bathrooms are ideal even if slightly further away)
    • Remove both pants and underwear completely
    • Dispose of underwear
    • Quick clean up with toilette paper and then go home! Unlike work, you don’t NEED to be there. You can always finish up some athletic activity back at your house or add a workout in on the weekend.
  • Leaked through pants
    • Tie if you have any additional clothing around such as a sweatshirt, break-away pants, sweat rag, or even gym bag use this item to block the stain.
    • Immediately make your way to the exit
    • Use you additional garment to protect your car seat and get out of there.

If you are at a friend house or party:

Similarly to the gym, mall or other public place that you do not necessarily have to be attending a party is voluntary and not necessary to receive a paycheck everyday. There is one major difference however, this place is probably filled with friends, family or love interests that you would prefer to not be a part of one of your more embarrassing experiences. That being said…

  • Did not leak through pants
    • Get to the nearest bathroom
    • Remove underwear and clean out the majority of the feces. You are going to have to take the underwear with you to avoid being caught.
    • Clean yourself off and make sure no feces has made it anywhere in the bathroom.
      • If there is a window, check to see if anyone is outside, if not through the soiled underwear out the window in a place you can pick it up shortly after.
      • If there are people outside or no window wrap the underwear in toilet paper and place it in a pocket / purse or even back on if necessary.
    • Go to the party’s host, thank them for the hospitality and explain that you are really not feeling well and that you’d appreciate if they would just tell everyone you said good-bye / you love them / whatever it is you say when you leave. Avoid any hugs by insisting not to spread your illness.
    • If you have thrown your underwear out the window, retrieve it and get out of there.
  • Leaked through pants
    • As soon as you realize what has happened make a bee line for the door and go home.
    • If there is a crowd of people the will inevitably see your stain as you exit try to spill something on your front to draw attention from the stain.
    • Say good-bye to no one and later apologize for being rude and just say you had to take care of a “family matter / emergency”.
    • If you drove with someone else, call them from the car and make sure they can get a ride home, again the “family matter / emergency” excuse usually diffuses all questioning.

If you are at a girlfriends/boyfriends/general love interest’s place:

  • Did not leak through pants
    • Get to the bathroom as quickly and discreetly as possible.
    • Remove underwear and pants
    • Use toilette paper and a drop of hand soap to thoroughly clean yourself off
    • Use a tiny bit whatever scent masking agent is in the bathroom. (Coming out of their bathroom smelling like their cologne / perfume or like bathroom spray is going to be really weird too)
    • Wrap your underwear in toilette paper and place it in your pocket or purse
    • You do not want to leave your underwear behind as the thought of them finding it at some point will haunt your dreams so find an excuse to go outside (i.e. “I need to call my parents, its a family emergency”).
    • Find the nearest garbage can, sewage drain, or just general hidden area and dispose of the soiled underwear. Make sure they don’t see you doing this.
  • Leaked through pants
    • If you are near any kind of mud, puddle, anything dirty fake a fall NOW!
    • If not get to the bathroom quick because you have some work to do.
    • Follow the steps above but also add that before leaving the bathroom thoroughly wash your pants
    • When you go back inside after disposing of the soiled underwear explain how sorry you are but you need to go, again “family emergency”!
    • Get home and re-group for another date.

If you are in the wilderness:

The wilderness has its advantages and disadvantages when it comes to sharting oneself. You are at an advantage in the wilderness because the air is open so stench is less of a concern, however cleaning will be a major issue…

  • Did not leak through pants
    • Find a private spot and say you have to pee
    • Remove your underwear as quickly as possible and use the clean portion to wipe away any feces that are on you. A sock may also be used if necessary.
    • Put pants back on and return to your group. You will not be fully clean but this will have to do for now.
    • If anyone questions a scent say you stepped on something.
    • If there is any body of water get in there right away for a more adequate cleaning.
  • Leaked through pants
    • Find the messiest spot and fall in it NOW! (muddle puddles are ideal)
    • Excuse yourself to a private location and clean up best you can
    • Use your socks, any additional garments you have and any water at your disposal to clean yourself off and discard these items
    • It may go without saying but discard your underwear as well.
    • If anyone questions a scent say you stepped on something.
    • If there is any body of water get in there right away for a more adequate cleaning.




Summary:

As the instances explained above cover a broad range of places and scenarios in which you may experience a shart attack. The key in retaining your dignity is to remain calm and get to a private local. The use of other soiling agents to mask the feces and place blame elsewhere is always a good tactic as well. If you think of any other survival tactics please write to us!

Updated: August 21, 2015 — 12:09 am

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